Sonder: why every stranger’s life is as real as yours
Good evening everyone
Tonight we are not just discussing a book, we are discussing each other.
Our topic is Sonder: why every stranger’s life is as real as yours inspired by the book Sonder: Lives Beyond The Silence by Abdulrahman Sarkin-Pawa who is our guest today.
We warmly welcome him 😊
Sonder is that moment when you suddenly realize that okada man, that girl selling gala in traffic, that quiet person in this book club, all have a life as vivid, as painful, as joyful as yours. With families, heartbreaks, dreams you will never know.
In a country where we are surrounded by 200 million people, why do we still feel so unseen? Tonight, let's break that silence.
THE 4 QUESTIONS FOR TODAY
1. What is Sonder in one sentence? And when last did you look at a stranger and wonder about their full life story? (Also for everyone)
2. In the book you talk about “Lives Beyond The Silence” which section of your poetry hit you the hardest while writing? Which line in the book do you still think about or carry most dear?
3. We are the most connected generation, 5k friends online, but we are also the loneliest. Why do you think Nigerian youth feel so alone in such a crowded country?
4. What do you want us to do differently tomorrow? When we enter a bus, when we talk to our gateman, what should we carry from Sonder into real life?
Quick exercise for everyone: If you had to trade lives for 24 hours with any random Nigerian, a danfo driver, a market woman in Balogun, a corper in Zamfara, who would you pick? Let's hear 3 people.
Good evening everyone. Thank you, for having me and for creating the space for this conversation. I’m really happy to be here and to talk about SONDER with you all.
1. What is Sonder in one sentence? And when last did you look at a stranger and wonder about their full life story?
To me, Sonder is the realisation that every person you encounter is living a life as vivid, complicated and real as your own.
But the reason I chose SONDER as the title goes a little deeper than that. I wanted the book to feel different for every person who reads it. We all come to a poem with our own experiences, memories, relationships, heartbreaks and ways of seeing the world, so two people can read the exact same piece and walk away feeling completely different things. In that sense, everyone creates their own version of Sonder when they read it.
And yes, I still catch myself wondering about strangers quite often. You can look at someone for a few seconds and start wondering who they are when nobody is watching, what they’ve loved, what they’ve lost, what they’re carrying, what has shaped them, and what has made them grow into who they are today. You realise that what you see of a person is such a small part of who they actually are.
2. In the book you talk about “Lives Beyond The Silence” which section of your poetry hit you the hardest while writing? Which line in the book do you still think about or carry most dear?
The section that probably hit me hardest while writing was Self-Discovery & Growth, particularly “BE A MAN.” I think it was one of those pieces where I wasn’t just writing about an idea. I was questioning some of the things I had been taught about masculinity, strength and what it means to be a man.
The line I still carry with me is, “But remember, before you were a man, you were human.”
I think I carry that because it’s such a simple reminder, but there’s a lot inside it. Before the expectations, the responsibilities, the pressure to always be strong, there is just a person who is allowed to feel, struggle, need and be vulnerable.
And I think that’s something I wanted SONDER to do throughout the book: to remind us that beneath all the roles we play for other people, there is still a human being trying to figure things out.
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa interesting line 🥹reminds me of a line from one movie
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa Was there ever a moment in your own life where you felt you were being forced to be a man or so and probably not allowed to be yourself or your own human?
Whenever people hear “BE A MAN”, it triggers something in the brain which tells you, be strong. Don’t have emotions. Don’t show weakness. Be the glue.”
And I think that’s where the problem begins. You’re taught so early to carry things quietly that eventually you forget you’re allowed to put them down.
There have definitely been moments where I’ve felt that pressure, even if it wasn’t always said directly. Sometimes you realise you’re making yourself smaller emotionally because you’ve been taught that certain feelings aren’t “manly” enough.
That’s part of why I wrote “BE A MAN” the way I did. I wanted to question what we actually mean when we tell someone to be a man.
Because before you were a man, you were human. And being human means you’re going to hurt, you’re going to need people, you’re going to be afraid, and you’re going to have moments where you simply don’t know what to do.
I don’t think we should have to lose our humanity in order to prove our strength.
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa Exactly. And i think a lot of us needed to hear that we are allowed to put things down. That we don't have to carry everything quietly to be strong. I mean even being a man still means you need people. You still need someone to talk to, someone to lean on. Strength is not doing everything alone.
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa I need to frame this line and hang it! Read it over and over and over and over again.
3. We are the most connected generation, 5k friends online, but we are also the loneliest. Why do you think Nigerian youth feel so alone in such a crowded country?
I think a big part of it is that being surrounded by people is not the same as being understood by people.
We have more ways than ever to stay connected, but a lot of those connections remain quite surface-level. You can have hundreds of people who know what you look like, where you went, what you’re doing, and still have very few people who actually know what is going on inside you.
And I think there’s a lot of pressure on young Nigerians to appear okay. There are expectations around success, family, relationships, money, career and what your life is supposed to look like. Sometimes you’re dealing with all of that internally while still having to present yourself as though everything is fine.
So I think the loneliness comes partly from not feeling seen beyond the version of yourself that you show people.
And that’s something I keep coming back to with SONDER. We are all carrying so much that other people cannot see. Maybe part of becoming less lonely is creating more spaces where we can actually be seen, not just noticed.
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa so In conclusion we should embrace being vulnerable?
Of course. You know, when people hear “being vulnerable”, they immediately think about the negatives. They see it as weakness, as exposing yourself, as giving someone the opportunity to hurt you. But I think it’s much more powerful than that.
Being vulnerable takes a certain level of courage. It means being honest about what you feel, admitting when something hurts, allowing yourself to be seen beyond the version of yourself you’re comfortable showing people.
I don’t think vulnerability makes you weaker. If anything, I think there’s strength in being able to say, “this is me, this is what I feel, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.”
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa Most people treat vulnerability like it's a weakness, but it actually takes more courage to say "I'm hurting" than to pretend you're okay. I needed to hear this. Thanks
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa just gave me a new meaning to vulnerability
So it should be seen as strength and not really weakness
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa Being vulnerable simply expresses our humanness. People saying vulnerability makes you look weaker is quite laughable because for someone to express vulnerability, it takes so much strength and effort. And I believe society has made it even harder for youths, humans in general and men in particular to be vulnerable and express their emotions. It takes soooooo much to unveil or peel those layers of yourself for someone to see, in a world that measures how much pain or ache your layers can absorb with the amount of praise you receive.
Exactly. I think vulnerability is one of the clearest expressions of our humanity. And honestly, there’s so much strength in allowing yourself to be seen when the world has taught you to hide those parts of yourself.
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa Did writing Sonder change how you treat people?
@jhemye Oh yes. Writing it actually made me think a lot. It made me ask myself one question a lot which is “Why is this person the way they are?” I realised it made me be kinder to people because you never actually really know what’s going on in someone’s head.
@abdulrahman-sarkin-pawa Yup that question changes everything and that’s how I always see people since I’m naturally patient and make excuses for people when i can’t get them to explain or know them enough to ask. I just ask myself "Why is this person the way they are?" And just be like maybe this or maybe that, If we all asked that before judging or shouting at someone, the world would be kinder. Thank you.